Ready, or Not
If you’ve found yourself in a leadership position a little prematurely- tough shit. Ready, or not. Your team needs you.
Sixteen years ago today I entered my daughter’s world. Typically, a child enters ours, but not this time. On April 29th 2007 I met my three month old, Jocelyn, after being deployed to Fallujah, Iraq with my infantry battalion while serving in the United States Marine Corps. I was excited to enter her world, but certainly not ready by most standards. My wife and I were married prior to me leaving and so upon my arrival back in the U.S. I had to figure some things out quickly. There were just nine days from walking the streets of Fallujah, Iraq to walking the streets of Lansing, Michigan. Not only a husband for the first time outside of those brief moments we had before shipping out, but a father for the first time at age twenty one.
Two short years prior I was a normal nineteen year old. I was playing football at Ferris State University and having way too much fun. In what seemed like no time at all life changed and I was in a war zone entrusted to make kill, or don’t kill decisions. As I awoke from that chaos I’m entrusted with a little human to raise. Shit!
When I returned from war I understood how blessed I was to have the opportunity to make it home and meet her, but that didn’t make me any more ready to be a dad. What I continue to realize as years go by is that when forced into a tough position, or difficult situation, we are capable of doing much more than we think we are in that initial moment of opposition and adversity.
I’m telling you though… I was so not ready! I made so many mistakes early on… it was a couple of weeks before I ever drove my daughter anywhere by myself. Each time before this incident I had been with my wife and Jocelyn- not just Jocelyn- while in a car together. One of those mild temp spring days in May of ’07 I had driven her to my parent’s house. (mild temp is important here) Cruisin’ with my windows down I pull into the driveway, walk inside and visit for just a short bit… As I walk out of the house and up to my car my stomach sinks as I see my daughter in her car seat sleeping in the backseat. I had forgotten about her and left her in the car alone. Insert F bomb here.
I had such a unique concoction of fear, guilt, embarrassment and even anger at myself. So much so that I didn’t share this with anyone for years, in fact, my wife is probably hearing about this for the first time as she proofreads this for me… Sorry babe! Luckily, it was a mild spring day and my front windows were down. I had driven down that road, parked my car, and gone inside a thousand times so I had simply done what I always did. Not once had I ever driven a vehicle with a child in the car. I had completely forgotten about this new responsibility I came home to. This was one of many reminders that I had early on in my journey coming home that I was out of my element, not qualified, not ready, and likely to fail.
Tough shit though, remember? She needed me. There wasn’t a choice to make so my choice was easy. I had to be a parent. Ready, or not- I had to lead. I did my best with what I had at that time and through the years and I’m happy to report- she’s pretty awesome.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in a leadership position a little prematurely, maybe you’re feeling that way right now, or maybe you will in time. Please understand that what you’re feeling is normal. While focusing on new leaders- 65% of respondents in a survey referenced by Harvard Business Review admitted to feeling uncertain or anxious about their role transition. Let’s discuss three ways how to not just get by and decrease stress, but lead in a way that produces a result that also is pretty awesome.
Perspective
First and foremost it’s important that you have the right perspective on your situation. Even though I didn’t know what the hell I was doing back in ’07 I did understand how lucky I was to be home, physically healthy, and blessed with a beautiful daughter. Not everyone made it home, not everyone made it home physically intact, and not everyone had the opportunity to face the fact that there’s something going on here at home in that moment that was bigger than themselves. We had that overseas feeling of being a part of something significant while deployed- but not everyone had that here at home. Even now I understand how lucky I am knowing that not everyone will have the opportunity to be called Dad.
Perspective matters. Not everyone has the opportunity to hold a title of one in a leadership position. You’re in the position you are for a reason. There are many that believed in you that supported you being exactly where you are. They still believe in you and there are many that would love the opportunity to lead. Ready, or not- there are people that need you right now. Not a polished, or perfect version. Just you.
2. Community
I’ll be the first to admit that I can only take a little credit for how my children have turned out. If it were just up to me I’d be scared to see the vast difference between that scenario and the reality I see. Obviously, my wife should get the vast majority of the credit but after her I don’t think I’d put myself in the running for second place. I have continuously leveraged awesome friends and family in a way that helped raise my kids. That whole “it takes a village” quote is no bullshit. It certainly did for us and I tapped into the whole damn village. I did this out of pure desperation at times, but also recognizing my short comings.
Where do you come up short in leadership? Is there a village that you’ve yet to lean into? Asking for help and using your resources isn’t an admittance of failure, but a masterful flex. Don’t let ego get in the way. Be the humble leader your team deserves and leverage those around you. Don’t overlook the fact that there may be some you’re leading that can assist you. There may be some that have some strengths in areas that you’re weak. Humble yourself and use this. Remember- it takes a village.
3. Motivation
Looking back now I can tell you that coming home from Iraq a new dad was a real blessing in disguise. I was forced to grow up quickly during a time that I was working on readjusting back to life at home. That adjustment wasn’t easy for any of us that deployed, but I know having the additional responsibility waiting for me upon my return kept me in line more so than if I didn’t have that added pressure of figuring out this parenting thing. I hit many bumps in the road in those years following my return, so it didn’t make me immune to those distractions and problems but I’m confident that the poor choices that I did make during those years would have been much more frequent and potentially more devastating. It was obvious then that she needed me, but it’s obvious to me now that I needed her. Jocelyn’s existence motivated me to be better than what I was at that time and that very well may have saved my life. It certainly altered the trajectory of my life.
Let the position you’re in and those that you are tasked with leading motivate you to be better. Your team deserves it, but not only that- you deserve it. As you you improve as a leader for your people you’ll one day wake up and find yourself living a more accomplished and fulfilled life.
Get excited about leading! Keep perspective, use your community, and let this responsibility motivate you to continuously grow.
Notes: https://hbr.org/2022/06/5-pieces-of-advice-for-first-time-managers